Lessons in Inquiry
When Resistance Isn’t the Real Issue: A Leadership Lesson in Inquiry
I was facilitating a leadership workshop recently, and we were exploring strategic communication, specifically how leaders move between advocacy and inquiry when they encounter hesitation or resistance. This is one of those ‘easier said than done’ scenarios.
During the session, I shared a story from home. My 11-year-old said, with full tween confidence, “I don’t want to go to baesball practice tonight.” He was set in it. Closed off. Resistant. It took all my patience not to meet that resistance with force. I had plenty of advocacy ready: commitment, performance, skill development. These are all valid and any one of them would have likely shut down the conversation.
Instead, I asked: “What about this practice makes you not want to go?”
He said no one else from his team goes. This is an exaggeration, but of course perception is reality so for him, a very real experience. This is a skills-based practice vs. a team one so the attendance is more varied. It would have been easy to immediately counter him with that logic. Instead, I continued to understand his perspective more. “If no one else goes, what’s hard about that?”
Thankfully, he opened up (not always the case with an 11 yr old!). He shared that the other catcher from his team doesn’t usually attend. Which created some anticipatory anxiety about how much he will catch one the season starts. If he is the only catcher at skills training, he will end up catching more; and less rotation means less rest plus fewer opportunities to work other positions.
We are getting somewhere. This wasn’t about his own about motivation or effort. It was about team dynamics, his role and identity on the team, what he and the team need, and a young athlete learning how to understand and advocate for his own development.
We both felt this because last season he caught a lot. Sometimes hundreds of pitches over multiple games during intense weekends. We’ve been actively teaching him how to care for his body in demanding sports, and rest is a crucial part of that lesson. So his resistance wasn’t about practice at all.
At the end of the conversation, I asked one more question: “If no one else from your team goes and you do, what happens?” Guess what he said… “I’ll get better as a baseball player.”
A leader in the workshop named what happened in real time. Getting better is the ultimate the goal of going to practice and my son understand that without me having to convince him! (Getting curious for the parenting win!)
Fast forward to the practice, turns out one of the teammates who came is now training as a catcher. My son had new confidence in the rotation, he support felt supported and relieved. He came home energized and ready to go back because “it is a good practice.” Fast forward again to the next practice and he is still excited to be focusing on his role as catching on the team and less worried about rotating. We acknowledged that position assignments aren’t in his control, they belong to the coach. My son just needed to know support is there if he needs it.
This conversation mattered just as much as the practice itself.
This is why, in leadership, inquiry is not a soft skill. It’s a strategic one. Advocacy has its place. But when leaders lead with advocacy too quickly, people shut down and close off. When leaders lead with inquiry, people engage.
Leadership skills aren’t about forcing outcomes. They’re about building connection and trust so shared, sustainable outcomes can emerge. Sometimes the most effective move isn’t saying more. It’s getting curious just a little longer.
If you’re navigating resistance on your team and unsure whether to lean into inquiry or advocacy, you’re not alone. I spend a lot of time working with leaders on this exact tension between how to communicate clearly and create ownership. If this sparked a question for you, I’d love to hear it.